GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
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Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
tis the season
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Care for your back
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.