@ConanOBrien: Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can't park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
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@Reverend_Scott: [shows up 2 hours late for interview] Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
@KeetPotato: cop: "can you point at which zebra it was" zebra: "ha good luck we all look the same" me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] "that one"
@bobbiejo448: "That's Superman, that's Batman, and that's Cyborg. If you won't call them by their names, I can't play with you anymore." - me to my 5yo.