Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
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I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I’m too immature for adultery.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”