Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
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Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?