Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
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Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Art by Pastelkatto
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger