I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
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stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
😍😂🥰😂😍
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter