Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
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Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”