Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
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They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.