Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
You Might Also Like
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
What is going on? 😅
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or