I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
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I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism