@jdforshort: Green smoothies because who has the time or energy to chew 17 cups of spinach/lettuce/kale
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@2tickytacky: I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
@juanadog: Saw a sign on the highway that said "Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500" but it doesn't tell me where to pick up the money...
@therealelp: jesus could get on twitter and be like "fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!" and someone would be like "you're".