@devc0ol: Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
@mrtruthandsoul: When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
@Just_Lee_: My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee'd in their pants
@hasht4g: Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can't climb, or run.
@kamiekaymee: IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
@Carbosly: [in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow... That's a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.
Him: *breaks down crying