@devc0ol: Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
@caliluvgirl77: How old do I look?
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you're not getting any
@matt___nelson: Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't care where you're going
@KalvinMacleod: HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
@Donna_Gallers: 1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
@Kyle_Lippert: My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can't do that.