@devc0ol: Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
@tigersgoroooar: Long, satanic walks on the beach.
@zachreinert03: Reporter got asked about any survivors of a plane crash & said 'its up in the air'. Dude if it was up in the air we wouldn't be in this mess
@KeetPotato: [gets pulled over]
cop: "sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
[i've swapped places with the dog]
me: "answer the man"
@2tickytacky: Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don't have.
@pattonoswalt: "Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I'm trying to save Germany, not Gilligan's Island." -- Hitler's last words