[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
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*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move