[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
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Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
emergency phone
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second