Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
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So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.