@pissrifle: GREETINGS MORTAL, YOU MAY ASK ME ONE QUE- "what's the deal with airline food?" GODDAMNIT JERRY HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THIS CRYSTAL
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@Mirimade: When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
@AntiJokeTyrone: A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby
@mattZillaaaa: This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
@Sassafrantz: Saw a couple wearing surgical masks in public and all I could think was "what do they know that I don't?"