@pissrifle: GREETINGS MORTAL, YOU MAY ASK ME ONE QUE- "what's the deal with airline food?" GODDAMNIT JERRY HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THIS CRYSTAL
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old thinks that there's a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won't get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
@ReticentTurnip: JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn't work out as you hoped ME: Well I got two English degrees
@TheToddWilliams: [sideline] QB: So extra point or conversion? COACH: Hmm…conversion [huddle] CENTER: Well? QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?