My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
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Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.