@pissrifle: GREETINGS MORTAL, YOU MAY ASK ME ONE QUE- "what's the deal with airline food?" GODDAMNIT JERRY HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THIS CRYSTAL
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@VenusRockHobbit: If I ever noticed you waving frantically from inside a burning building I would totally wave back because I'm polite.
@cervixsmash: I'm gonna name my firstborn “arial” and people will be like “oh like the mermaid” and i’ll say “no like the font”
@david8hughes: [calls 911] Me: my wife's been bitten by a snake Operator: ok, suck the poison out Me [whispering]: dude there'll be nothing left of her