@pissrifle: GREETINGS MORTAL, YOU MAY ASK ME ONE QUE- "what's the deal with airline food?" GODDAMNIT JERRY HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THIS CRYSTAL
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@gtfml: When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
@DadandBuried: I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
@pinupteacher: Best thing about living in NY is you can order anything, anytime, and 30 minutes later it shows up. You see here? This here is an orangutan.
@fillthevacuum: Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I'd lost.