Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
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My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist