Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
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coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I was just discussing this with my cat
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow