Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
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Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.