greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
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“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.