@droidbears: greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
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@1Happytwit: There's a cat curled up on my pillow, and I'd probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
@Douchekevin: Wife said she was 'retaining water' and I said I'd wondered who drained the swimming pool. Been 4 days and I'm still hiding in the attic
@iwearaonesie: mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!? [flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift's "Love Story" in the car on the way over] me: Yes
@seanscrap: Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.