greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
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when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
You can’t rush stupid.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.