My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
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[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
This made me chuckle.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.