Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
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I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack