[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
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Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken