[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
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PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.