grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
You Might Also Like
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”