Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
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If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in