[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
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I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
*seductively eats two tums*
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”