there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
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This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
me and who
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.