People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
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“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.