[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
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Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Pizza is an emotion right?
If looks could kill
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.