[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
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ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
That’s it.I’m out.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]