Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
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Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
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Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars