Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
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Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”