Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
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You got this…
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My inexpensive home security system…
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
God, I love Scotland
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”