gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
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My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards