Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
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[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
when u come home smelling like another dog
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
They’re not wrong
The pen is writier than the sword.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.