Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
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[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.