If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
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All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg