Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
You Might Also Like
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.