[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
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If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.