[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
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Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …