Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.