Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
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Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
What’s a Messi?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Lol.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”