Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
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If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
step 6: release the wall snake
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Florida be like…
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar