I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
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FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
This raises questions
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant