Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
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I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
*pronounces fake like saké*
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley