I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
You Might Also Like
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
When you’re Kinky but poor
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
don’t we all
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?