Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
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I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Milk Cube
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”