Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
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Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
wtf is a larm clock?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.