Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
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Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Just me and my debit card against the world
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Ok but actually
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Great acting.. 😂
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily