@Birdhumms: Growing up couldn't wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
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@internetluke: Boy, I hate small talk. *coworkers all grimace* He's right behind me isn't he? *Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
@Fred_Delicious: Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
@murderbytweets: In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.