Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
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[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.